按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
gentleman runs a hand through his thatch of white hair； the woman holds her folded specs against her face。 Clouds race across the westering moon； the seasons change in somber montage； going deeper into winter stillness； a landscape of silence and ice。 Your doctor knows the symbols。
37
The long walk started at noon。 I didn't know it would turn into a long walk。 I thought it would be a miscellaneous meditation； Murray and Jack； half an hour's campus meander。 But it became a major afternoon； a serious looping Socratic walk； with practical consequences。
I met Murray after his car crash seminar and we wandered along the fringes of the campus； past the cedar…shingled condominiums set in the trees in their familiar defensive posture—a cluster of dwellings blending so well with the environment that birds kept flying into the plate…glass windows。
〃You're smoking a pipe；〃 I said。
Murray smiled sneakily。
〃It looks good。 I like it。 It works。〃
He lowered his eyes； smiling。 The pipe had a long narrow stem and cubical bowl。 It was pale brown and resembled a highly disciplined household implement； perhaps an Amish or Shaker antique。 I wondered if he'd chosen it to match his somewhat severe chin whiskers。 A tradition of stern virtue seemed to hover about his gestures and expressions。
〃Why can't we be intelligent about death？〃 I said。
〃It's obvious。〃
〃It is？〃
〃Ivan Ilyich screamed for three days。 That's about as intelligent as we get。 Tolstoy himself struggled to understand。 He feared it terribly。〃
〃It's almost as though our fear is what brings it on。 If we could learn not to be afraid； we could live forever。〃
〃We talk ourselves into it。 Is that what you mean？〃
〃I don't know what I mean。 I only know I'm just going through the motions of living。 I'm technically dead。 My body is growing a nebulous mass。 They track these things like satellites。 All this as a result of a byproduct of insecticide。 There's something artificial about my death。 It's shallow； unfulfilling。 I don't belong to the earth or sky。 They ought to carve an aerosol can on my tombstone。〃
〃Well said。〃
What did he mean； well said？ I vanted him to argue with me； raise my dying to a higher level； make me feel better。
〃Do you think it's unfair？〃 he said。
〃Of course I do。 Or is that a trite answer？〃
He seemed to shrug。
〃Look how I've lived。 Has my life been a mad dash for pleasure？ Have I been hellbent on self…destruction； using illegal drugs； driving fast cars； drinking to excess？ A little dry sherry at faculty parties。 I eat bland foods。〃
〃No； you don't。〃
He puffed seriously on his pipe； his cheeks going hollow。 We walked in silence for a while。
〃Do you think your death is premature？〃 he said。
〃Every death is premature。 There's no scientific reason why we can't live a hundred and fifty years。 Some people actually do it； according to a headline I saw at the supermarket。〃
〃Do you think it's a sense of inpleteness that causes you the deepest regret？ There are things you still hope to acplish。 Work to be done； intellectual challenges to be faced。〃
〃The deepest regret is death。 The only thing to face is death。 This is all I think about。 There's only one issue here。 I want to live。〃
〃From the Robert Wise film of the same name； with Susan Hayward as Barbara Graham； a convicted murderess。 Aggressive jazz score by Johnny Mandel。〃
I looked at him。
〃So you're saying； Jack； that death would be just as threatening even if you'd acplished all you'd ever hoped to acplish in your life and work。〃
〃Are you crazy？ Of course。 That's an elitist idea。 Would you ask a man who bags groceries if he fears death not because it is death but because there are still some interesting groceries he would like to bag？〃
〃Well said。〃
〃This is death。 I don't want it to tarry awhile so I can write a monograph。 I want it to go away for seventy or eighty years。〃
〃Your status as a doomed man lends your words a certain prestige and authority。 I like that。 As the time nears； I think you'll find that people will be eager to hear what you have to say。 They will seek you out。〃
〃Are you saying this is a wonderful opportunity for me to win friends？〃
〃I'm saying you can't let down the living by slipping into self…pity and despair。 People will depend on you to be brave。 What people look for in a dying friend is a stubborn kind of gravel…voiced nobility； a refusal to give in； with moments of indomitable humor。 You're growing in prestige even as we speak。 You're creating a hazy light about your own body。 I have to like it。〃
We walked down the middle of a steep and winding street。 There was no one around。 The houses here were old and looming； set above narrow stone stairways in partial disrepair。
〃Do you believe love is stronger than death？〃
〃Not in a million years。〃
〃Good；〃 he said。 〃Nothing is stronger than death。 Do you believe the only people who fear death are those who are afraid of life？〃
〃That's crazy。 pletely stupid。〃
〃Right。 We all fear death to some extent。 Those who claim otherwise are lying to themselves。 Shallow people。〃
〃People with their nicknames on their license plates。〃
〃Excellent； Jack。 Do you believe life without death is somehow inplete？〃
〃How could it be inplete？ Death is what makes it inplete。〃
〃Doesn't our knowledge of death make life more precious？〃
〃What good is a preciousness based on fear and anxiety？ It's an anxious quivering thing。〃
'True。 The most deeply precious things are those we feel secure about。 A wife； a child。 Does the specter of death make a child more precious？〃
〃No。〃
〃No。 There is no reason to believe life is more precious because it is fleeting。 Here is a statement。 A person has to be told he is going to die before he can begin to live life to the fullest。 True or false？〃
〃False。 Once your death is established； it bees impossible to live a satisfying life。〃
〃Would you prefer to know the exact date and time of your death？〃
〃Absolutely not。 It's bad enough to fear the unknown。 Faced with the unknown； we can pretend it isn't there。 Exact da