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t was a subtle form of punishment for us all。 Heinrich sat silent over his egg rolls。 Steffie became upset every time something shameful or humiliating seemed about to happen to someone on the screen。 She had a vast capacity for being embarrassed on other people's behalf。 Often she would leave the room until Denise signaled to her that the scene was over。 Denise used these occasions to counsel the younger girl on toughness； the need to be mean in the world； thick…skinned。
It was my own formal custom on Fridays； after an evening in front of the TV set； to read deeply in Hitler well into the night。
On one such night I got into bed next to Babette and told her how the chancellor had advised me； back in 1968； to do something about my name and appearance if I wanted to be taken seriously as a Hitler innovator。 Jack Gladney would not do； he said； and asked me what other names I might have at my disposal。 We finally agreed that I should invent an extra initial and call myself J。 A。 K。 Gladney； a tag I wore like a borrowed suit。
The chancellor warned against what he called my tendency to make a feeble presentation of self。 He strongly suggested I gain weight。 He wanted me to 〃grow out〃 into Hitler。 He himself was tall； paunchy； ruddy； jowly； big…footed and dull。 A formidable bination。 I had the advantages of substantial height； big hands； big feet； but badly needed bulk； or so he believed—an air of unhealthy excess； of padding and exaggeration； hulking massive…ness。 If I could bee more ugly； he seemed to be suggesting； it would help my career enormously。
So Hitler gave me something to grow into and develop toward； tentative as I have sometimes been in the effort。 The glasses with thick black heavy frames and dark lenses were my own idea； an alternative to the bushy beard that my wife of the period didn't want me to grow。 Babette said she liked the series J。 A。 K。 and didn't think it was attention…getting in a cheap sense。 To her it intimated dignity； significance and prestige。
I am the false character that follows the name around。
5
Let's enjoy these aimless days while we can； I told myself； I fearing some kind of deft acceleration。
At breakfast； Babette read all our horoscopes aloud； using her storytelling voice。 I tried not to listen when she got to mine； although I think I wanted to listen； I think I sought some clues。
After dinner； on my way upstairs； I heard the TV say： 〃Let's sit half lotus and think about our spines。〃
That night； seconds after going to sleep； I seemed to fall through myself； a shallow heart…stopping plunge。 Jarred awake； I stared into the dark； realizing I'd experienced the more or less normal muscular contraction known as the myoclonic jerk。 Is this what it's like； abrupt； peremptory？ Shouldn't death； I thought； be a swan dive； graceful； white…winged and smooth； leaving the surface undisturbed？
Blue jeans tumbled in the dryer。
We ran into Murray Jay Siskind at the supermarket。 His basket held generic food and drink； nonbrand items in plain white packages with simple labeling。 There was a white can labeled CANNED PEACHES。 There was a white package of bacon without a plastic window for viewing a representative slice。 A jar of roasted nuts had a white wrapper bearing the words IRREGULAR PEANUTS。 Murray kept nodding to Babette as I introduced them。
'This is the new austerity；〃 he said。 〃Flavorless packaging。 It appeals to me。 I feel I'm not only saving money but contributing to some kind of spiritual consensus。 It's like World War HI。 Everything is white。 They'll take our bright colors away and use them in the war effort。〃
He was staring into Babette's eyes； picking up items from our cart and smelling them。
〃I've bought these peanuts before。 They're round； cubical； pockmarked； seamed。 Broken peanuts。 A lot of dust at the bottom of the jar。 But they taste good。 Most of all I like the packages themselves。 You were right； Jack。 This is the last avant…garde。 Bold new forms。 The power to shock。〃
A woman fell into a rack of paperback books at the front of the store。 A heavyset man emerged from the raised cubicle in the far corner and moved warily toward her； head tilted to get a clearer sightline。 A checkout girl said； 〃Leon； parsley；〃 and he answered as he approached the fallen woman； 〃Seventy…nine。〃 His breast pocket was crammed with felt…tip pens。
〃So then you cook at the rooming house；〃 Babette said。
〃My room is zoned for a hot plate。 I'm happy there。 I read the TV listings； I read the ads in Ufologist Today。 I want to immerse myself in American magic and dread。 My seminar is going well。 The students are bright and responsive。 They ask questions and I answer them。 They jot down notes as I speak。 It's quite a surprise in my life。〃
He picked up our bottle of extra…strength pain reliever and sniffed along the rim of the child…proof cap。 He smelled our honeydew melons； our bottles of club soda and ginger ale。 Babette went down the frozen food aisle； an area my doctor had advised me to stay out of。
〃Your wife's hair is a living wonder；〃 Murray said； looking closely into my face as if to municate a deepening respect for me based on this new information。
〃Yes； it is；〃 I said。
〃She has important hair。〃
〃I think I know what you mean。〃
〃I hope you appreciate that woman。〃
〃Absolutely。〃
〃Because a woman like that doesn't just happen。〃
〃I know it。〃
〃She must be good with children。 More than that； I'll bet she's great to have around in a family tragedy。 She'd be the type to take control； show strength and affirmation。〃
〃Actually she falls apart。 She fell apart when her mother died。〃
〃Who wouldn't？〃
〃She fell apart when Steffie called from camp with a broken bone in her hand。 We had to drive all night。 I found myself on a lumber pany road。 Babette weeping。〃
〃Her daughter； far away； among strangers； in pain。 Who wouldn't？〃
〃Not her daughter。 My daughter。〃
〃Not even her own daughter。〃
〃No。〃
〃Extraordinary。 I have to love it。〃
The three of us left together； trying to maneuver our shopping carts between the paperback books scattered across the entrance