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e of the things I'm proudest to have acplished with Bee。 I sent her to Boston on Eastern when she was nine。 I told Granny Browner not to meet her plane。 Getting out of airports is every bit as important as the actual flight。 Too many parents ignore this phase of a child's development。 Bee is thoroughly bicoastal now。 She flew her first jumbo at ten； changed planes at O'Hare； had a near miss in Los Angeles。 Two weeks later she took the Concorde to London。 Malcolm was waiting with a split of champagne。〃
Up ahead the taillights danced； the line began to move。
Barring mechanical failures； turbulent weather and terrorist acts； Tweedy said； an aircraft traveling at the speed of sound may be the last refuge of gracious living and civilized manners known to man。
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Bee made us feel self…conscious at times； a punishment that visitors will unintentionally inflict on their placent hosts。 Her presence seemed to radiate a surgical light。 We began to see ourselves as a group that acted without design； avoided making decisions； took turns being stupid and emotionally unstable； left wet towels everywhere； mislaid our youngest member。 Whatever we did was suddenly a thing that seemed to need explaining。 My wife was especially disconcerted。 If Denise was a pint…sized missar； nagging us to higher conscience； then Bee was a silent witness； calling the very meaning of our lives into question。 I watched Babette stare into her cupped hands； aghast。
That chirping sound was just the radiator。
Bee was quietly disdainful of wisecracks； sarcasm and other family business。 A year older than Denise； she was taller； thinner； paler； both worldly and ethereal； as though in her heart she was not a travel writer at all； as her mother had said she wished to be； but simply a traveler； the purer form； someone who collects impressions； dense anatomies of feeling； but does not care to record them。
She was self…possessed and thoughtful； had brought us hand…carved gifts from the jungles。 She took taxis to school and dance class； spoke a little Chinese； had once wired money to a stranded friend。 I admired her in a distant and uneasy way； sensing a nameless threat； as if she were not my child at all but the sophisticated and self…reliant friend of one of my children。 Was Murray right？ Were we a fragile unit surrounded by hostile facts？ Would I promote ignorance； prejudice and superstition to protect my family from the world？
On Christmas Day； Bee sat by the fireplace in our seldom used living room； watching the turquoise flames。 She wore a long loose khaki outfit that looked casually expensive。 I sat in the armchair with three or four gift boxes in my lap； apparel and tissue paper hanging out。 My dog…eared copy of Mein Kampf rested on the floor at the side of the chair。 Some of the other people were in the kitchen preparing the meal； some had gone upstairs to investigate their gifts in private。 The TV said： 〃This creature has developed a plicated stomach in keeping with its leafy diet。〃
〃I don't like this business with Mother；〃 Bee said in a voice of cultivated distress。 〃She looks keyed…up all the time。 Like she's worried about something but she's not sure what it is。 It's Malcolm； of course。 He's got his jungle。 What does she have？ A huge airy kitchen with a stove that belongs in a three…star restaurant in the provinces。 She put all her energy into that kitchen； but for what？ It's not a kitchen at all。 It's her life； her middle age。 Baba could enjoy a kitchen like that。 It would be a kitchen to her。 To Mother it's like a weird symbol of getting through a crisis； except she hasn't gotten through it。〃
〃Your mother is not sure exactly who her husband is。〃
〃That's not the basic problem。 The basic problem is that she doesn't know who she is。 Malcolm is in the highlands living on tree bark and snake。 That's who Malcolm is。 He needs heat and humidity。 He's got like how many degrees in foreign affairs and economics but all he wants to do is squat under a tree and watch tribal people pack mud all over their bodies。 They're fun to watch。 What does Mother do for fun？〃
Bee was small…featured except for her eyes； which seemed to contain two forms of life； the subject matter and its hidden implications。 She talked about Babette's effortless skills in making things work； the house； the kids； the flow of the routine universe； sounding a little like me； but there was a secondary sea…life moving deep in the iris of her eye。 What did it mean； what was she really saying； why did she seem to expect me to respond in kind？ She wanted to municate in this secondary way； with optic fluids。 She would have her suspicions confirmed； find out about me。 But what suspicions did she harbor and what was there to find out？ I began to worry。 As the odor of burning toast filled the house； I tried to get her to talk about life in the seventh grade。
〃Is the kitchen on fire？〃
〃That's Steffie burning toast。 A thing she does from time to time。〃
〃I could have prepared some kind of kimchi dish。〃
〃Something from your Korean period。〃
〃It's cabbage pickled with red pepper and a bunch of other things。 Fiery hot。 But I don't know about ingredients。 They're hard enough to find in Washington。〃
〃We're probably having something besides toast；〃 I said。
The mild rebuke made her happy。 She liked me best when I was dry； derisive and cutting； a natural talent she believed I'd forfeited through long association with children。
The TV said： 〃Now we will put the little feelers on the butterfly。〃
In bed two nights later I heard voices； put on my robe and went down the hall to see what was going on。 Denise stood outside the bathroom door。
〃Steffie's taking one of her baths。〃
〃It's late；〃 I said。
〃She's just sitting in all that dirty water。〃
〃It's my dirt；〃 Steffie said from the other side of the door。
〃It's still dirt。〃
〃Well it's my dirt and I don't care。〃
〃It's dirt；〃 Denise said。
〃It's my dirt。〃
〃Dirt is dirt。〃
〃Not when it's mine。〃
Bee appeared at the end of the hall wearing a silver and red kimono。 Just stood there； distant and pale。 There was a moment in which our locus